Tag: life experience

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The Goldilocks Journey: In Search for the Sweet Spot

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Throughout life, we find ourselves constantly navigating between extremes, seeking the elusive “just right.” It’s a journey reminiscent of Goldilocks, the fussy little girl from the classic fairy tale, “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” Her quest for the perfect porridge—neither too hot nor too cold—mirrors our own pursuit of balance in various aspects of day-to-day living. Welcome to the first installment of a series exploring the Goldilocks Journey to finding the sweet spots in life.

Again and Again

The inspiration to further delve into this idea came when I noticed this Goldilocks theme in several books. While not a primary theme, the recurring concept was hard to ignore. Could this be a common thread across a variety of circumstances and lifestyles? Even though it comes in different shapes and forms, I imagine this concept finds its way into our lives regularly. We just don’t really pay attention to the implications.

In Praise of Slowness: Tempo Giusto

In our fast-paced world, the concept of “tempo giusto,” or “in correct time,” resonates deeply. It encourages us to challenge the hurried lifestyle that has become the norm, advocating for living at our own pace, our own “right tempo.” This philosophy, introduced by Carl Honore in his book, “In Praise of Slow,” urges us to find balance and harmony in our daily lives.

Happier Hour: The Quest for Meaningful Discretionary Time

Paradoxically, too much discretionary time can be as challenging as too little. It’s essential to optimize this time for the “just right” balance between productivity and leisure. In “Happier Hour” by Cassie Holmes, the research delves into the art of crafting a fulfilling, intentional, and meaningful life, even in moments of free time.

The Good Enough Job: Striking the Balance

Finding the “just right” between extremes extends beyond leisure to our careers and personal growth. We explore how becoming well-rounded, diversifying our experiences, and embracing the spaces in between can lead to a richer, more holistic life. This idea of a career sweet spot was inspired when I read “The Good Enough Job” by Simone Stolzoff

Hunting Discomfort: Balance Discomfort with Surrender

Book cover for Hunting Discomfort by STerling Hawkins

Explicitly describing it as “the Goldilocks approach: not too much, not too little, it has to be just the right amount (of discomfort),” in Chapter 11 of “Hunting Discomfort“, Sterling Hawkins describes in more detail the “optimal growth zone that balances discomfort and your capacity to deal with it.” He calls this the sweet spot of high performance.

Finding the Sweet Spot

The older I get, I’m drawn to somewhere in between more than anything extreme.

When I was younger, I was extremely introverted, scared of putting myself out there, and mainly keeping to myself. Even though this felt very safe to me, it was also very boring. I needed and wanted a taste of “the other side.” This required that I explore the extravert lifestyle which drained the heck out of me. I knew this wasn’t sustainable. With a lot of awkward trial and error, I’ve learned to be an ambivert who can adjust as the situation calls for.

Embracing Dualities: The Dance of Paradox

Life is a dance of dualities and polar opposites. From leading to following, intuition to analysis, kindness to disinterest, and reaction to inaction, every situation calls for a unique approach. The beauty and art lie in finding harmony in these tensions.

Calibration: The Art of Balancing Micro and Macro

In this series, I will also delve into the crucial concept of calibration, balancing our focus between the micro and macro aspects of life. Discover the strategies and insights that help us find the “just right” in both the finer details and the bigger picture.

When the Sweet Experience is Too Much

Is there ever too much of a good thing? Yeah, I think so. Some of the sweetest moments in life are often sweet because they’re fleeting and irregular. There’s this theory of hedonic adaptation that says even the positive (or negative) effects on happiness that come with the ups and downs in life eventually fade and return to some baseline.

Perhaps the goal is not to find and stay in this static happy place but rather to find joy in the process of calibration. “Just right” can mean different things from moment to moment which is probably why it’s so elusive. If the thrill is indeed in the chase, then is there a smart way to embrace that? To enjoy the dance?

When Goldilocks Fails: Exploring the Downsides

While Goldilocks’ approach is often beneficial, there are situations where it might not be the best choice. We’ll investigate when seeking the middle ground isn’t the optimal strategy.

Some common situations and examples we’ll explore further:

  • Ambitious Goals
  • Learning New Skills
  • Creativity and Innovation
  • Certain Career Pursuits
  • Expressing Passion and Emotion
  • Emergencies

And So It Begins…

Our journey in search of the “just right” impacts various aspects of our lives, from career choices to self-actualization. By mastering the art of finding the sweet spot, I think we can lead a more balanced and fulfilling life.

As we progress through this series, I welcome your feedback by borrowing an idea from Adam Grant. Give each article a 0-10 rating and share one suggestion for improvement. Your feedback will be invaluable as I continue exploring the Goldilocks journey to finding the sweet spots in life, and when even that is too much!

If this topic interests you, I hope you’ll join me on this journey, where we question and explore the value of “just right.”.

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The Benefit of Having Range

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A More Beautiful Blossom Later in Life

Think of this as a hybrid book review along with some personal take-aways.

Early this morning, I finished “Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World” by David Epstein. Weaving thorough research with compelling story-telling, the second book by Epstein drew me in almost as much as “The 7 Habits…” by Covey in the late ’80s. Like Covey’s timeless bestseller, it came to me at the right time.

Late to the Game?

You see, I turned 50 last September. Throughout my 30’s, I really felt like I was behind in life. While most of my college friends had already settled into relatively successful and stable careers, I was just getting started with a drastic career change after spending most of my 20’s in Japan.

Because I’ve chosen to follow a nonlinear career path, I have often felt insecure about my success, or lack thereof. Although I’ve gotten over it, for the most part, the comparison game still gets to me sometimes. Reassuringly, one of Epstein’s parting notes were:

“Compare yourself to yourself yesterday, not to younger people who aren’t you. Everyone progresses at a different rate, so don’t let anyone else make you feel behind. You probably don’t even know where exactly you’re going, so feeling behind doesn’t help.”
 — David Epstein, Range (2019)

Whether or not that last sentence is reassuring, I get it’s debatable. When I admit to myself that, at 50 years old, I’m still not really sure where exactly I’m going…shame comes to mind. I’m learning that’s the result of many years of social conditioning.

10,000-hours vs. The Sports Gene

And that’s one of the important questions posed by Epstein. When Malcolm Gladwell popularized the 10,000-hour rule, everyone seemed to jump on the wagon (I know I did) and really push for the head start in some sort of specialization. For example, start really young with violin lessons and then dedicate 10,000 hours of deliberate practice to achieve extraordinary expertise.

The Sports Gene, which was Epstein’s first bestselling book, proposed a twist. Then in Range, he expands on the importance of early life experimentation–or what I like to call dabbling–before diving deep into some area of specialization. That’s not to say that early specialization isn’t good. It’s just not the only way to create an extraordinary life. Famous examples of late blossoms include Van Gogh and Julia Child.

I agree with Epstein when he says the world needs both…Specialists and Generalists working together.

My Take-Aways

I acknowledge that I like reading anything that supports my decisions, even if those decisions happen to be wrong! So I’ll keep that in check. That said, here are a few key thoughts I’ll continue exploring:

  • Don’t feel behind. Success in life, or any endeavor, should not be defined by early and immediate accomplishment. Some of the best things (and people) take time to bloom.
  • Don’t feel guilty about experimenting with your various interests. Especially if your interests seem totally unrelated and don’t appear to create anything of value as deemed by others. Some of the most meaningful and influential discoveries (e.g the effective treatment for HIV) in history have come as a result of someone’s tinkering with something that, at that moment, seemed utterly useless and a waste of time.
  • Keep yourself in check when you subconsciously start comparing yourself to others. It’s not healthy. You become unnecessarily anxious. Truly successful people don’t really give a shit. You already know this.

I gave Range a 5-star rating in the Goodreads app. Even if it doesn’t connect with you as strongly, I’m confident you’ll still agree it’s a worthwhile read. At the very least, it will round out your view of the 10,000-hour rule. Highly recommended for those of you who consider yourself Dabblers.

*Originally published for the Dabbler publication on Medium

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Dabbling Again: Revisiting An Old Project With New Perspective

Photo by Dimitar Belchev on Unsplash

Making The Tigger Tendency Work For You

As a self-proclaimed “Professional Dabbler,” I often find myself jumping from one interest to the next. Oftentimes, those interests seem completely unrelated. I’m sure others scratch their head when they observe what appears to be a nonlinear and chaotic path that I follow.

One of the inherent risks with living a Dabbler lifestyle is the so-called “Tigger Tendency” (aptly named after the bouncy character of A.A. Milne’s Winnie-The-Pooh), as described by author Benjamin Hoff in his book, The Te of Piglet.

“The final problem we might mention about the Tigger Tendency is that the worthwhile and important things in life — wisdom and happiness in particular — are simply not the sorts of things one can Chase After and Grab. They are instead the sorts of things that come to us where we are, if we let them — if we stop trying too hard and just let things happen as they need to. Tigger found this out when he discovered What Tiggers Like Best…”
 — The Te of Piglet by Benjamin Hoff

During the course of my nonlinear career thus far, I’ve confirmed that the problem is not in the tendency of jumping around, but rather in the intent of why people zig-zag in the first place. If it’s to chase after and grab happiness, the prize is elusive and the experience can be quite frustrating. Case in point, at the start of my career, “chase and grab happiness” was my intent and I found myself jumping around in circles and often getting lost.

I hope the following example will help reassure other Dabblers. Despite the naysayers and other challenges along the way, dabbling can be a good thing and there’s a reason why we should let the moment draw us in, even when it doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense at the time.

Coming Full Circle

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”
 — T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

In 2001, I launched a website as a business. My goal: to help engaged couples find resources when planning their wedding in Chicago. (I was working as a wedding DJ living in Chicagoland at the time.) Similar to how this Dabbler publication on Medium came about, it was not something I had planned to do. It unfolded at the moment as inspiration struck. With a lot of effort, but mostly by sheer luck and timing, it actually did well for quite a while and made a decent profit from vendor advertising.

When I first got ChicagoWeddingServices.com up and running, I worked intensely. Almost non-stop every day, I enthusiastically taught myself everything I needed to know while simultaneously applying what I learned to build and optimize the site. Although I paid a hefty price in terms of life balance and family time, it became a springboard for the beginning of a new career.

One thing led to another and the experience eventually landed me many years in executive management as a digital marketer. Because the demands of corporate life didn’t leave me much time to continue with the Chicago Wedding Services side-hustle, the site went downhill and just flew on autopilot for more than a decade.

As life would have it, I’m out of corporate again. Recently, with the COVID-19 circumstances, I’ve had the time and opportunity to revisit ChicagoWeddingServices.com as a project. This go-around, I see things in a new light and am enjoying the process in a much more balanced way. Applying everything I learned the first time and since then, I’m also better able to avoid my earlier mistakes and bad assumptions.

This time around, I’m not chasing the attention or the money of a successful, high-traffic website. If that happens again, great. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too. The project, in and of itself, has reignited a fire within that was beginning to flicker away. I can get lost for blissful hours of tinkering and developing. Reacquainting myself with a forgotten friend, the process brings my passion for digital creation to life. At the same time, I can still easily walk away from it when it’s time to walk the dog, cook dinner for the family, or simply just rest. I couldn’t do that before.

This is just one example of countless lessons I’ve learned from living life as a Dabbler and coming full circle.

Dabble in interests that really bring out your passions, not just the next new shiny object. Go all in, but don’t lose your balance. Get lost in the moment but stay connected to reality. Do it for the love of the game and not just the final score.

I’ve found pleasure and happiness in the act of becoming rather than focusing too much on what I will become. Joy has come to me from bridging the gap between who I already am with who I might be someday. This has helped me stop feeling like an inadequate imposter in a world where being someone well-known and important is an admired thing.

If you’re a natural dabbler, be comfortable in your own skin by accepting your inner Tigger. It’s okay to jump around and explore. Understand why you bounce and enjoy the journey. You’ll eventually get to where you need to go. But remember that happiness is already where you are.

Photo by Dimitar Belchev on Unsplash

Original post from The Dabbler publication on Medium.